Before, during, after.

It’s been a month since I dropped out of the Great Divide Race at mile 625. In my painful account below I stated that I was truly suffering in the hotel room in Butte. I take it back.

My hands are still numb. My big toe is still numb. My ITB is so tight that I can feel it ‘pop’ when I move my leg. I’ve ridden a grand total of 30 miles since the race, with most of that light pedaling on my commuter bike, bar ends turned backwards so they don’t touch my ulnar nerve.

Apparently I know how to push myself too far. Apparently I needed to learn a big lesson: don’t fuck with your bike. My errors were both in handlebars. #1 – aero bars. #2 – H-bars. Neither were part of my setup on the Arizona Trail. Both cost me big time. My other error was pushing through it all. I should have dropped out much earlier.

Riding in the aero bars, when not used to them, can cause sciatica and tight IT bands–so the experts say. The H-bars compressed my ulnar nerve, possibly aided by riding with locked elbows at times. I have never had any of these problems before–sciatica, ITB or numb hands. I should have just stuck with what I knew works. I’m an idiot and am now paying for it, big time.

It’s pretty easy to deal with not riding for a few weeks. I was tired, sick, and recovering anyway. I knew I shouldn’t be riding or doing much but resting. But now the suffering haunts me. If it were just this week, or next, it would be no problem. But I have no idea where the end is.

I have been running, hiking, backpacking and stretching. Now my feet are killing me and I don’t know why [the running and hiking has not been excessive]. I’ve never had any kind of foot pain before.

I used to think I was strong. I’m getting good at exposing my weakness. It feels like I’m falling apart.

I’ve been unable to ride before, of course. It’s tough, but it’s always a good excuse to do more schoolwork and put more effort into TopoFusion. Unfortunately computer usage aggravates my hands (and now my feet). Typing is awkward, innaccurate and painful at times. Outdoors and computers — those are the two things I “do.” And I’ve never been limited on both at the same time before. So I’m kind of left wondering what to do.

Of course, it’s not that bad. I still expect a full recovery, though it might be months, not weeks. And I’m staying smart, taking good care of myself and learning as much as I can. The temptation to ride and continue to beat myself up is huge — but I won’t make the same mistake I (and many of my friends) made before.